I am definitely in food relapse

Deviations my butt!  Honesty here.  Last night my plan changed again.  My train wasn't running, and my first thought was, Oh, since I have to stay in the City, I'll just take myself out to dinner.  But I didn't.  The trains started running again and I left work about 1 1/2 hours late.  I had to find a bathroom when I got to the train station (there is none there) and my phone battery was dead so I couldn't call home for a ride.  I started walking home and made it to the pizza place, where I stopped in to use the bathroom, then ordered a slice of pizza.  Walked the rest of the way home (about 1 1/2 miles).  A little while later, my daughter made popcorn (which I had previously sworn off).  She didn't fini**** handed me the bowl to throw the rest out, and I proceeded to eat a handful of it.  Then she made hotdogs for her and her sister.  I heated up the chili for them to put on their hotdogs, and served myself a bowl.  My pouch wasn't happy, so after a couple of bites, I threw the rest out.  Later on, I had my snack of SF ice cream.

Maybe none of the choices were horrible, and I didn't "binge" like I used to, but I still felt the eating was impulsive, if not compulsive, and it was definitely not as planned.

Then, this morning, I got up extra early with the puppy, so figured I'd have breakfast at home -- 1/2 bagel with cream cheese.  I then planned on picking up a protein bar to have mid-morning, but, instead, got my regular breakfast of ham/egg/cheese on english muffin, which I ate when I got to my desk.  Kinda feels like 2 breakfasts -- not what I planned. 

But the absolute worst part is the obsessive thinking, the arguing I did in my head for the entire train ride in -- which is usually my prayer/meditation time.  It is that obsessive thinking pattern that tells me I am really "in the food" as they say in OA.  Relapse.  Never mind I don't eat sugar.  I am eating when I don't want to; eating things I don't plan to; and having an incessant conversation about it in my head whether I am eating or not.  This FEELS like the way I felt when I was trying to get sober and could not. 

And I am being honest about it for the first time in a very long time.

I am going to OA tonight with my daughter, and I just do not feel comfortable telling all then because I don't want to negatively impact her recovery.  I found an OA meeting near where I work at noon, so I may take my lunch early today and go there. 

Thanks for listening and for being here.

I am right where you are. I am in denial about my food. I know I am not abstinet or on a plan. But I do know that the way I am eating is compulsive, dissassociative and unhealthy. I am glad you will go to another OA meeting just for you. that is so what 12 steps are about it is just for you.

The speaker we had talked about the disease of addiction. in relation to food and anything really. He said it is a disease of the mind. ( obsession) the body ( compulsions, addictions to certain things ) and the spirit our soul and what we compromise for our fix.

I try and remember this so that i can tell myself it isnt my fault. I need to manage it, because i am predisposed. It is a 123 punch so I need to be vigilant. I wish like you I could get some long term abstinence but each time i slip i learn something so at least that is good

Nic, what do you mean by eating that is dissassociative?

Vigilance. Yes. I have a mental picture of my old habits (and old pounds) lying in wait for me, just around the corner, setting a trap and waiting for me to stumble in just the right/wrong way so they can attack me again. (A whole new level of neurosis, yes.)

Jill,

I hate when the mind plays games with you! This IS an addiction just like alcohol, and we have been conditioned our whole lives to beating ourselves up about what we eat after we eat it.

You took the first step by writing it down and opening up to us about it. Give yourself a break! It isn't like you went on a binge eating fest eating everything in sight. You have to take it one step at a time, one day at a time. That is what this journey is about...

Take care and we are here for you!!
Beth

Thank you, Nicole and Beth.  I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels just to be HONEST about what I am eating.  Maybe that really is a first step. 

I have limited experience with OA, but it sounds like you may need a meeting that is "yours" and where you can share more openly and draw from the support there.

While supporting your daughter's recovery is a great thing, you may need to step into a room where you are truly anonymous in order to say what needs to be said.

And just a thought - do you think the carbs are a trigger for you?

I am reasonably certain carbs are a trigger, or an addictive substance for me.  I know this because I am absolutely TERRIFIED of giving them up -- like losing my best friend or something.  Yet, of course, after surgery I did not eat carbs for quite some time and was perfectly content.  In fact, I was more than content.  I went back to my OH profile today and read the things I wrote.  Oh my God, I want that back. 

With some encouragement, I have planned to go back to post-surgery eating beginning July 1 -- clear liquids to full liquids to pureed to soft to regular -- and try to figure out just where things go crazy for me. 

I did go to the OA meeting at lunchtime and was so glad I did.  There was someone there I know from my Tuesday night meeting!  But I still feel I can be honest so long as my daughter is not hearing me -- at least for now.  That brings me to some other thoughts, but I'm going to post separately about those.

I am most definitely struggling too!  I'm 5 years out and am mostly just a lurker because I'm embarrased about the regain and think "How can I help someone else when I'm having such issues." 

Like you Jill, I am planning on going back to basics, well doing the 5 day pouch test at least to start.  I need to get the carbs and other junk food out of my life and my eating plan.  I've had excuses now for weeks on why I can't start the 5 day pouch test.....that ends this week!  Beginning Monday I WILL be starting the 5 day pouch test.  Considering making it 2 days for each phase rather than 1.  I know it's been 5 years, but I DO still remember the early days when I avoided all carbs and had everything all planned out.  I still plan, for the most part, but I need to get back to the days of no carbs.  My most difficult days are the 2 days a week I go to visit my dad in the nursing home.  He insists I bring food in for him and me, rather than seeing his food from the kitchen go to waste, I eat it as dinner.  Might not sound too bad right, but usually it consists of a hamburger, mashed potatoes and some kind of soup.  Not exactly a healthy meal for a gastric bypass patient.  I have regained way too much weight and am SO not happy with it.  So I'm going to begin my recommitment to eating healthy. 

Thanks for listening.

{{{{Patti}}}} I love you.  You're still my angel.  I have thought that exact same thing, "How can I help someone else when I'm having such issues."  And maybe I can't.  Maybe the only person I can help right now is myself.  And maybe that's just what I need to do. 

But I will tell you this.  I struggled in AA for a couple of years before staying sober stuck for me.  And now I help people who are struggling to stay sober because I completely understand where they are coming from, and I know there's a way out. 

I can't give up.  I can't stop trying.  The best advice I ever got was, "Don't give up until your miracle happens!" and it did with regard to alcohol.  GBS was a gift for me.  It is a tool.  I'm not going to give up trying to use it correctly, even if today I didn't use it perfectly.  We can encourage each other.  And when we do get our miracle, we'll have lots to share and new ways to help others who follow in our footsteps.